I had to make some apologies to members of my local community recently after they had to suffer a large bald man waddling down the road at 2am, shouting at some topiary and asking what it’s bloody problem was. Let me explain.
I was working a night-shift a few nights ago, and during my tea break decided to pop outside for some fresh air, maybe have a wee gaze up at the clear night sky and the heavenly body shining brightly above.
And no, before you say it I don’t mean I was peeping at one of the neighbours standing at their bedroom window with a table lamp shining through their frilly knickerbockers. Dirty minds on you people, honestly..
Instead, I had heard there was a ‘Supermoon’ on the go, and I wanted to go outside in the slight hope that were I to bathe in its light, it might bestow upon me some form of superpower, like increased strength, invisibility or the ability to walk into the local chipper and ask them for a ‘Smoked Sausage Supper’ without my stammer making me sound like Elmer Fudd suffering an aneurysm.
Alas there was to be no super power granted to me, and as I dropped my head in disgust I Looked along the road as I normally do before heading back inside. Something however caught my eye, what looked like a figure dressed all in black standing in to the side of the pavement further along the road. I stared at it for a moment and it didn’t move, so being a suspicious kind of non-superhero, I decided to walk toward it and find out what the hell was going on. What if it was a burglar trying to break into a house, or a local ‘yoof’ peeping into someone’s bedroom window at them shining a table lamp through their knickerbockers?
“HO! What are you up to there?” My voice squeaked like a teen boy whose ‘hairy potatoes’ have just puberty-dropped, but the figure didn’t react at all, not moving an inch as I walked further along the street toward it.
“Right you bugger, explain yourse.. Oh.”
Turns out, I’d been suspicious of a common garden bush that had grown out onto the pavement slightly, and in the cold moonlight of the ‘Not-so-Supermoon’ had looked briefly like the Milk Tray man had maybe indulged himself in one too many chocolate éclairs, and had gotten himself stuck climbing through some poor, unsuspecting wifie’s window.
I hereby revoke my membership of the local Neighbourhood Watch, unless you’ve got a particularly troublesome Rhododendron bush that’s needing a serious talking to for giving you and the kids a dirty look when you’ve been on the school run of a morning.
