I had the pleasure of an appointment with Ortheope.. Orthoe… Orthopeado.. ‘The Knee Specialists’ recently, so I made sure I arrived nice and early, handed over my appointment card and was told to take a seat in the half-full beige waiting room. I sat down and made myself comfy, bathed in the slight waft of pish that drifted up from the cushioned seat below me and settled in for my wait.
Moments later a tall gentleman walked in, mentioned he had an appointment and then after digging his letter out from the bundle of envelopes under his arm he loudly announced to the room that he was a hoarder, that he had to carry all his letters with him and that he needed help to declutter if anyone was interested. Everybody in the room suddenly gained a deep interest in their phones or their bare palms if they were adhering to the ‘no-mobiles’ policy of the hospital facility, and sensing no takers the gentleman moved to the far end of the room to sit under the small television that was currently broadcasting one of those morning TV shows where they tell you about ‘Autumnal Fashions’ through shiny veneers.
Time passed, and I soon got bored reading the informative posters describing the various ways my insides were probably going to rot and pour out of my arsehole, instead turning my attention toward the TV which now had the shiny-toothed host interviewing an equally shiny-faced doctor who was enthusiastically discussing the Menopause, the Perimenopause and their separate negative effects on the average lady garden. The doctor was going into great depth on the subject, and the tall gentleman’s attention was suddenly snapped to the tv upon hearing the Doctor talk about the importance of maintaining a ‘plump and moist vagina’.
No sooner had the words escaped the TV, than the man spun around in his chair to face a middle-aged woman sitting in the adjoining row and three seats back. “I HOPE YOU’RE MAINTAINING A PLUMP VAGINA!” He blurted out, a big grin on his face as the poor woman nearly launched her smartphone through the plate glass window beside her in shock, “THE MANNY ON THE TELLY SAYS IT’S IMPORTANT TO KEEP IT MOIST.”
Well, you could have heard a pin drop in that waiting room as everyone stared on in shock, and with a small wave and a smile he turned back round in his seat and went back to digging through the huge collection of brown envelopes he’d taken along with him for his appointment, before shortly afterwards having his name called for his appointment.
As he walked away waving at his new dumbstruck audience, I couldn’t find the strength to wave back, as I was too busy trying my best not to add any new laugh-pish scent to the seat below me.
