I would like to offer my sincerest apologies to the eardrums of anyone that may have been within a 1,000ft radius of the local Co-op car park in the early evening of Friday night past, as what sounded like the amplified screech of a ferry’s arse being dragged over some unnoticed underwater rocks reverberated throughout the nearby skies.
You see, I had just parked my car when I saw my good friend Linda Jo (The wonderful woman behind the ‘Mrs Madhouse’ blog) strutting out of the shop toward her car, her little dinosaur arms laden with an ungodly amount of chocolate Hobnobs. Being as I’m a wonderful friend, I waited until she had made it into her car and shot-putted the 45 packets of sturdy biscuits into the seat beside her before I made my move.
Like a sure-footed mountain lion I weaved between the parked cars, (startling one poor lady in her Fiat Panda who was halfway through a mouthful of Double Decker when she suddenly saw a fat bald man crouching past her window) and made it to the passenger side door of Linda Jo’s motor.
With the speed of a coiled and threatened cobra, I ripped open the door, shoved my head inside and screamed at the top of my rather hefty lugs. This in turn caused LJ to rise off her seat a good eight inches, either through fear or I suspect a good two pounds of solid fear-jobbies being cannonballed out her posterior and launching her skyward.
What was equally as impressive I thought were the two snot-rockets which shot down her face, making her look like she’d been eating a Muller Rice on a rollercoaster. I had to retreat though before I could observe it, as the ensuing scream was enough to knock the wax out any ear that happened to be within the aforementioned 1,000ft radius.
I sprinted off toward the shop before she could lean across and tear my face off like an angered US family’s pet chimpanzee, but I’d made it less than four steps before I heard the car door being ripped open behind me, and a guttural howl of rage as Linda Jo lept out onto the tarmac. Well, I’m pretty sure I felt the atmospheric pressure drop slightly as she pulled in a sizeable amount of oxygen before bellowing at the top of her lungs, “YOOOOOOOUU F**ING CT, AAAAAGGGH!!”
Reprehensible behaviour I feel from an otherwise well-known pillar of our blogging community. Maybe she was just mad about the unexpected snotters, who knows.